Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
