note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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