I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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