Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
