How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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