you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
