So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
