I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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