it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
