He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just forgot I was standing up.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
