what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
