this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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