My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
