this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Panties = found
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
