They should really pass out barf bags in church
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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