It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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