I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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