yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
