you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
