Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
