My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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