I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
