I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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