If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to make out with him forever
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
