wat bout pragnant strippers??
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
