woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
