apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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