and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We just shotgunned beers for America
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
