I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
