I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
