My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
