she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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