i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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