I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
