hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
