i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
