I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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