guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
