Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
