the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
