ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
