I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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