I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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