Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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