I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
