There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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