How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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