i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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