i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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