just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
FUCK WHALES
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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