DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
