It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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